Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Maybe I'm a moron.

*For the record, I generally abstain from stories about my kids' bowel habits.  No one cares, I know.  But for today I'm breaking my own rule.  I'm not offended if you don't care.*

I used to think that any parent whose child ate their own poop was a moron. 
When I'd hear these sorts of stories, I'd put on my best acting face, tilt my head, nod sympathetically...
but really what I was thinking was:
Are you stupid?
Have you no control over your child?
Poops come out one end, the mouth is at the other. 
How could you not have prevented that?

I'm ashamed to say this beautiful being is a poop-eater:

Which makes this crazy lady a moron:

The kid has serious twisty-bendy-roll-aroundy skillz when it comes to diaper changing.

Here's the play by play:
1- I smelled something needing attention
2- I lay him on the floor, assuming the position of a diaper change
3- Remove said diaper
4- As with every other diaper change, Buddy's hand immediately heads down south to make sure all boy goods are still in tact

This is where all of my control is relenquished

5- With my cat-like reflexes and speed I grab his hand so fast to wipe it off
6- He freaks & shoves his heel into the open diaper
7- I grab another wipe to quickly cleanse the left heel, but his heel is too fast & smears goodness all over my pants
8- Then repeat step 7 with right heel, but this time it went all over the carpet (chill out tatty, I cleaned it up appropriately)
9- By now he has 2 hands checking in on his manhood & left hand goes right up to his face...& you can imagine the rest.

I really, really tried to not let that happen.
I apologize to anyone who ever told me their story while I silently gave you the "Bad Parent Award" in my head.


whitney said...

sick sick sick sick.... i'm throwing up in my mouth right now. but it was really funny!

The Mostess said...

Ugh. I demand a post about Hawaii to scrub my brain with.

Valerie said...

ha ha ha, and yuck. But hey, kids are gross...I mean I still love them to death, but no matter how hard we try, they are gross!

Heather Teuscher said...

Haha, you crack me up!! Love the pics. We love buddy, maybe it is a boy thing? A side effect of making sure everything is working properly. And that boy is darn quick, who can blame you?

Matt and Jessie said...

That is pretty gross! I hope he didn't get sick!!

He is such a cutie!! I am so excited to see you guys!

Lindsey said...

Nope. you are a moron. That is horrible.
i happen to be be skillfully trained in this area. here is what you need to do (i am surprised you haven't seen me do this).
lay the little mr. down.
immediately put your two feet on his armpits and shoulders. this will pin him in one place and keeps the hands far from any business it doesn't need to be by.

Apply pressure as needed.

seriously, you will thank me. and so will linc.

i still love you, even though your son eats poo!

oh, and after I explained (again) to Christian that he cannot marry me when he grows up he said, "oh yeah, I can marry Avy!"